Sunday, August 31, 2008

8. 想你,到底疼我不?

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每當想你時很甜蜜
卻偏偏有種莫名的空虛
夢裡看不到妳的笑,沒眼沒口也沒手
只有一種熟悉的感覺,是我貪心了嗎?
Saturday, 30 August   17:04


我想你,日、夜、分、秒。
你開心了吧
完全讓你掌握了
你喜歡嗎
我卻喜歡這樣的想你
沒有任何外在的牽掛地想你
純純地
想著你在幹什麼
想著你有在想我麼
想著你到底在不在意我。。。

大意的你像其他人一樣
永遠也不會懂你在別人心種留下的層層漣漪
讓人不知所措

。。。想你,到底疼我不?




Friday, August 29, 2008

尋你 In total darkness...

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讀你、讓你
讓你蠶食我的思想
看著你看著我
如何為你墜下
看見更深沉的你
卻讓我更累了
我已經分不清了

我要的是我的獨特被看見,被肯定,被同意
這也是我們來到這裡的相同原因,
你尋醉的原因。
可是,我﹣這無自我的follow﹣會是你要的嗎?

我看見有一天你把我品嘗後
看見我淡然無味而離我而去
那我就只有永遠沉淪下去,因為我再也看不見天日了。



Thursday, August 28, 2008

7. As we go further, deeper...

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As we go further, deeper, we are going to hurt each other deeper, more painful.
As we continue, we will have sweeter moments than the last

however as a human being,

we may only see the sad things as we grow closer,
we may only enjoy the happy moments,
we may also happy and sad from time to time ...

which one do you want to be ?
which one do you choose to feel ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
for me,
I want to enjoy both the happy and sad moments we are going to have,
as both of them are very special to me ...
that's how, no matter what happen, what you say,
I know my love to you won't change,
because I am going to love them either way.
Wednesday, Aug 27 18:58


nothing specific, its just a feeling and desire to be with or closer to you ...
Aug 27 18:49


I must be the most boring and pity creature in the world to wait for love and care from someone like  you, who is controlling my emotions.  My fault, to show you that Im empty and boring to draw your attention, and then can not take what I was asking...

你的每一個字都讓我有莫大的空懼
因為你思想和文字是複數和全面和
我的思想和文字是惟一和單面的
我跟不了你的腳步了
恨你讓我想你
你說不要滿足我,為的是想把我多留久一點兒
我只能說,對不同的人要有不同方法吧
我的極限是“我們”。
我看不見自己的存在價值-就沒有我們了

不如你讓我走吧
說吧說愛看我為你起起落落吧
說我也只不過是另一位她她她吧
說你要的不是我
說你不需要我

那我就繼續回到不再奢望愛的生活裡埋醉了。

A fitful wind...?

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Thank you for correcting my grammatically mistakes.  Has it been awful to talk to someone like me with poor english/typing skills? :P  I hope it is a minor mistake that you can tolerate with me.
Anyway, it mean a lot to me when you chose to reply this paragraph cos thats exactly what i wish to hear from you about.  When was the last time anyone care about what I commented.

Well, NP was the first scenario that I could imagine doing together when we get there one day.  So, YES, my 'true' and 'life time' is limiting here only.  I'm also very sure that as time goes by and when we get to NP one day, it would be more than that.  Right now, a life time of care and tenderness are all I have in mind.

Today I wish to tell you that I need you. However, I cant. Therefore, I will be away for a while until you need me again. You'll know where to look me up... It is probably more like a self-healing and self-pity scenario here... :(

等愛, anyone? everyone!

THE WILD ROSE 隨意冷酷愛情夢想家 

RANDOM BRUTAL LOVE DREAMER (RBLD)

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.

豐富多彩的野花,愛挖苦嘲諷的刺,讓某些男人著迷卻受傷。獨立自足不需要愛情也不是弱不禁風之輩。從容不愛計畫,追求真愛。


ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor (DGSM)

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail (RBLM)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

尋你 Get us to utopia

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I study "us" to get us to utopia 
我是一條渴望依俯在你心裡的可憐虫,靠著維生的是你捎來的一字一語。 
當著像文學巨著般,反復思量著你的甜言蜜語,帶我走出枯痿的生活。 

有一天你會對我說:我只是愛上妳美麗文字而已。妳也一樣別再傻氣了。 
而我就會傷心地消失了:原來你和世人都一樣,看輕文字是情感的表達。 
它運載出我對生活深刻的體會,讓我深切地知道,
It is not merely some fancy words
It passes all of the basics and I know how much I love you.

又有一天,你對我說我只是挑戰的另一個極限。
而我也會傷心的消失了:你只不過放棄一個你還未看到的極限,一個我們還未一同發掘的未來。
因為我的極限是我們。

這讓我想起了你說 I hate me too, so you know what I meant too.
因為你我愛恨再也沒有界線,都成了一個同義詞

很討厭你的哲學理念
當你說I DO LOVE YOU now 
我就免不了恨你因為你那愛的單位是短的,
無論你說什麼,到了下一秒我還需要再查問一遍。

你尋我的蹤跡,讓我好感動,就像你愛看見我眼中的你一樣;
你說希望我在現實生活中對你一樣greedy,我覺的一切都盡在不言中了。


6. 睡覺不再是權利 Can't sleep

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想了整晚,腦還是一片空白,真的是太累了。
可是又很想用妳的方式來愛妳。
這烏托邦能改變我嗎?
變了的我還是妳要的嗎?
我仿佛回到初戀了。
Wednesday Aug 27   08:22

瘋了瘋了瘋了
睡覺再也不是我們的權利了
愛你.好難的一個課題
離開你.更是Mission Impossible 了

用你的方式來愛我吧
“改變”是你的方程式中的變數,來達成“完美”
如果我配合不了
我們就沒未來了,你又何需拘泥於我是如何的呢?
你忘了我是最佳的follower嗎?

可我又是沉淪的代名詞
只有你的愛才能讓我看得清未來
我對未來那絢麗的期盼﹣是因為有你的存在
可是無論你選擇如何
I will be following
It makes you the leader
And, it makes us perfect.

我的方式=就是你想用的任何方式
你的方式=將成為我的方式
因為我們是對方身上再也揮之不去的影子
在同一夜空中
我們都問了同一個問題。




尋醉﹣你我他 Intoxicated

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在你每夜尋醉的過程裡
我和他都懂了
(這應驗了你說過如果有一天你會介入,也只不過是因為我們的好朋友)

今天我們三人都在尋醉
他解釋了他過去多年的痛苦就是因為知道了那不可信的戒線。
人生在世是痛苦、“眾人皆醉我獨醒”的痛苦
他選擇了逃避沉醉於個人天真的世界。
在那裡,他忘我的玩樂,不和外戒有一絲的交流﹣讓我走了。

你選擇了逃避沉醉於尋求肉體上極限,然後你讓酒精帶給肉體上的歇息;心靈上寂寞卻揮之不去,無私地愛盡了所有的人﹣讓我來了。

我不逃避。因為我是最天真的也成熟過。無懼無畏。
可是我卻完全失去了方向。 

當年我獨自尋醉的生活裡, 他來了,救起了我,
進去他那無慾無求的世界裡。我看到了平靜,我以為那就是我要妥協的人生?

你來到旋起了一切,你是為需要我而來的嗎?還是我只是你偉大的救人工程之一?

(你要我嗎?)




沉殿 I need it to be precipitated

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如果你和女人一樣愛聽甜言蜜語的話,之前的博文就能滿足你的私慾了。
可是當我把上一個博文及心情審查一番後
我才想起了我們有著更有深度的愛。
是英語語言表達的不同,還是我太沉溺於愛你呢?
我討厭書寫英語,讓我看起來很累贅。
我覺得那跟本不是我,想把它除去,卻又想留下提醒自己不再重蹈覆撤。

和你一樣,我知道你的思維和我的一樣,再也不願意也離不開我了
可是我就是需要你在文字裡給承認肯定。
因為文字就是情感表達之一。

對烏托邦的期盼
我們需要有非一般思想行為,才能成功。
要排除一切幼稚的、行動上的愛。
如果我們見面了,生孩子了,不就是嫁/娶了給另一個現實中的伴侶嗎?
《我們=完美》這個體現出我們獨特之處:
兩個對生活充滿熱情和期待的人
卻在人群中孤獨地掙扎求全
今天相遇、相知、相愛、相惜對未來有相通的期盼。

如果一切嘗試以行動來履行後
《我們》就只不過是另一“以為”了。

我愛你
好深
好切

可是
我也同樣程度地
無法表達我的愛
因為一切都在文字以外了
It is not one dimensional love.

You have really jump off the page :)







Tuesday, August 26, 2008

我是其一或惟一? Miss me by second

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Read it again﹣you will find the conversation was interesting cos both minds were trapped in the angle of themselves instead of understanding what is the other one trying to say... 

We were 48hrs apart and when we finally meet again, we wanted to find out if he/she has changed and not same anymore... We thirst for each other to show love but we are too stingy to do for each other cos we are protecting ourselves?

You were trying to convince me that i shouldnt feel sad.  
But I cant accept anything cos I just cant think logically or literally anymore.  I have a 'designed' sentence, only that is what my mind could receive and being fulfill.  But i doubt even if i get it, what's next? :) 

Do you really not knowing what kind of designed sentence is in my mind? - about how did you love and miss me in the past days?

It is something like what I would like to tell you here - which is more like a report of how I have been on your mind and what do you think of having it:

I have been missing you in the past days since you last sms me in Monday morning 4am.  Like I told you, I slept on Sunday at 11-1 pm, while you were making love with P.  It was the only 2-hour.  I couldnt sleep after u left at 4am cos I think of you a lot, every second of it.  I closed my eyes and lying on bed and looked aslept  but my mind has an overwhelming desire of love to you.  With my sad and tired body I had got helps from him for our tasks and I couldnt stop thinking of you in the day time.  I did not slept soundly when you were looking up for me on Monday night, but it was a longest one in the past week.  I havent been able to sleep well ever since we started to chat cos it was too beautiful to see you and see you loving me in the same way and seeing that we think alike and appreciate each other....  We ended most of the chats near dawn and we both got up as early as we are, we slept only 2-3 hrs in a day, continuously for a week?
I dont know what to think.  But I think we are too old to play this romance tricks as we have so much responsibilities in the day time, and we are being too naive.

It is addictive to love you.  Do you know that?

Well, I get all of your messages now and Im satisfied.  I know that you love me as much as I do these days.  Despite the fact that I need to be cautious that you could be the real Vapor Trail who could vanish in the next second, turn his back to me and tell me to grow up, Im just a one of the challenging toy that he has, which is not challenging to him at all after I show all of my feelings.  As I never lie or exaggerate the feelings so you have got me in this early stage and you can do anything u want to me and throw me away.  I dont know what to trust now.  The Utopia has become real? Or I need to protect myself from the fantasy.

But what are we? What could we be? We need to slow it down as we could only meet and stop missing each other when we meet in 80-year-old.  There are 50 years more to go till it comes...

It is not what I wish, of cos.

When I said my heart aches, it means I miss you very much and I want to have you so greatly but I also know that I cant do that and Im nobody to do so, ethically.  So, then I said i hate you and I hate this feeling.

But in your points of view, you thought you have been hurting me when you know that Im in pain? No, dont go surface please. Where is your confidence? Dont you know that you have me all over you right now?  If you do, you would have made me feel the same as you do.  Anyway, I trust that you are not on the surface only.  But somehow you show a little demanding so i have to assume that you are in the lost as I do, which I know you couldnt be.  I have to accept that you are, as I need to accept that you are just one of the ordinary men that you'd feel like everyone else feel, that you needed to feel and see love.  If you really dont, please improve your communication skills then :) cos I really need you to show love to me instead of playing the philosophy games with me cos I could only get it the day after :))

Well, ethically, Yes, we are hurting each other by showing love to each other.  We gave excuses: Utopia is what we trying to have - but we too know that we wont get it there and as a grief of not getting it there cos the word simply means Not-Real as it doesnt exist.  

However, greed brought us here today that we want it more.  Let's see face the fact that msn is the only place we could ever try to be.

And you know what? All of our conversation in the past one week, i have it all lingering in my mind.  

When you said you are there for anyone who love you - it meant to me that u r accepting so much love around you as long as she gives her mind to you and you will love her in return and you are opened to love her too.  But today, I realized it meant something much more deeper - that no one has ever  been able to see who are you, so no one has been loving you.  When someone is here, seeing who you are and loving you as your true self, then you will show yourself to love her.  So, 'you are there for anyone who love you'.  Does it look like I am the one now when you tell me that you love me?  I cant believe it is, cos 

You told me that you can only have one woman in one time, but it is only counting by second.  It is not fair, as I can only love truly to one, you, by a life's time.  So, it means that Im not the one for you or us, women & stuff, just spin like a roller in your mind in the 24hrs of a day, and you do miss each of us 'a lot'.

Anyway, You are a philosopher and Im glad that I can see it right now.  Can you tell me that it is true here? Or am I wrong again? Do you mean something more than this?




22:35  
I miss you, do you know it?
Yes, and every single second of mine too.
Will you be gone one day?
From you? No.
Tell me everything about "yes and every single second of mine too"
Mean I miss u very much too
know what it means, but im counting words. it was 8 words but then after u 'tell me everything about it, it has only 6 words :(
Then ? 8 words changed to 6 words mean I miss u less kah ?
Yes it could :) 
Can i have 20 or 30 words as an explanation please?
Hee hee, explain 'i miss u' in 20-30 words while u urself only give me 3 ?  why today no update in bloggeh ?
I have more than hundreds.  I have a new blog :) But im not going to let u see it
Really? hmm..that's new...
I dont know what would u think .. so i cant show it to you yet...
*Hug*
Are you one who wont tell others how you feel? You dont seem like one.
Hmm...I think by now you know me more than myself?
Do I?
Yes you do.  Everything you said always is more true than I describe myself now. -->I told you it is a both way leading and following, but you disagreed.  You need me to be here for you and to summarize you for you and then you will weight and see if which is more accurate.  I know how it feels, my dear.
But why am I so lost and insecure now? My heart arches, you know?
I'm not lost and insecure, just you.  I have faith in you, I never doubted you.
Yes I am.  I didnt say it is you.
You shouldnt ache.
Do you know why you have faith and never doubted me? Cos I have shown everything to you completely but you have not.  So it aches.
What have I not then? Tell me, ask me.
Cos 8 to 6:)
:P 8 to 6 compare to 3
:( I hate you.  you have nth for me in the past 48hrs?  I'm greedy.
Have. But after reading your blog about you away... I dare not send anything to you.
Hey you are so stupid. Dont believe what you see in my blog/fb, remember?  That's a msg for my friends, not you.
Men are always stupid, the best man you can ever find is the one who listen to everything you said.
I dont get it. Do you want to see my new blog?
If you let me, yes.
It is ready for you, but, you didnt show that you want it.  So I cant.
It is very tough to meet your standard.
Just tell me more about how you miss me. :( :( :( :( 
*Hug* more tight
*Pad on the back*
So? Is that all?
No... I would love to tell you everything..
Tell me, why new blog? The current one is so beautiful...-->Bcos the new one is much better, more expressive. I cant hide there anymore.  So it is 'not what you think' as it was for x and I only.
Cos the current one is my frens, I need a new one for "you and me"
So the old one is for x and you only? :(  How many more you have out there :(
No it is not what you think :(
k k
wait a minute... Tell me you are jealous now :) Or tell me you miss me again...
hee... there you go, now you get me.
Do I? Do you?
I do miss you... the BIG MISS
8-6-4 how big could it be.
Not just any miss...I am really drained now.. from today's work.  But I still come here, just 'hoping' somone would be in only... unlike last night, she didnt show up at all, but at least I can read her blog...
OK! Im 1% satisfied now :) So u will have it, forever. What do you think? Do you like it?
wah...EVERYTHING is there. The proof of affair.  I LOVE it!
I dont trust you :(
This is the first time I have my feelings documented.  Very interesting... a 2 way write up... feel very honor too...
Just tell me you love me and u want me as much as i do
Im designing the sentence that i want to hear. poor me. :(
I hate you
I hate me too
But you know it means I love you
So you know what i meant too
Be well, be the greatest tmrw!!!
I will be with you, every second.
I will really miss you more in days to come
I miss you very much and very strongly, do you know that?
Like how leh?
My heart aches, I told you.
I hate this feeling.
But i want you to have good feeling...
There isnt any, cos you have nth for me...
If I have been hurting you all this while, then its no good lor...
Im thinking maybe you just doing good deed for me instead of loving me as in romance, so i hate you.
Good deed cant be done without love.  We have all the spiritual romance, just no physical ones.
Plus you love so many women, and I only have you. You think of us by second, but I will only think of you by a life time.
No I dont love so many women.
Tell me you love me, now?
I DO LOVE YOU now...
and I hope you are right here so that I can tell you that and look into your eyes.  Especially after such a long day of 'actings'.  Nothing could be more soothening than coming back to you at night...
Thank you. But it wont ease my heart right now.. as Im very greedy :(
Yes I know you are greedy :)
Will you try to fulfill it for me?
I hope you are greedy too when we meet next time.  Yes I have no confidence I can fulfill you but I wont give up.
Why dont you? Dont you know how important you are to me now?
Yes.
Miss ya!!! 
Love ya!!
Luv you more.
send me sms please... im checking it every second... :(
Wednesday, Aug 27   23:08




兩天=48小時

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兩天=48小時已經過去了
你除了knock!knock! 之外
就音訊全無了

你又一次以為我走了嗎?

你說你有需多想要對我說的話
怎麼都不說呢?
沒了leader, 我要如何follow呢?
博客空白了=就因為你沒給我sms了
我讓“離開了”的首頁
嘗試阻擋了他們翻開下面的數頁。。。
我又一次蠱惑人心去相信我要他們看見的<事實>
可是我最期盼的還是有心人。
如果他在乎,問了,我就會說了。

而目前,你還是惟一的一位。
我想起了你說過,如果P或E問起,你不會否認。
這也是我的心聲。

因為我曾經逼他看我的博客,15分鐘後我非常滿意了。
後來,才知道,我只是逼到他的身體坐下,眼睛看著屏幕,手放在老鼠上﹣15分鐘。
而他是完全不看不到我。

我的心淌血了,我不懂愛,我只看到他在行動上為我做的一切,
於是我包容地以身心回報他。
可是。。。
今天我有權利尋愛麼?
我完全不懂了。

我只知道,我和他的極限隨著而來了。










Monday, August 25, 2008

5. 不敢想你的一天。。。

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沒有不想你的日子
Monday, Aug 25   22:32

你說你要離開了
於是我乖乖地重新過日子
在不敢想你的一天裡。。。
卻把你想了一遍又一遍
你是知道的﹣我的博客為的是向世人展現我那完美的體膚生活的
是我美麗的化身,卻不是早已經沉淪丑惡的我
我告訴大家我離開了一會兒不讓人知道
我來了這裡
因為我需要來到這裡,展現我們的烏托邦

你怎麼選擇了相信我呢?
你好傻
你到處給我留言,卻沒給我發電郵和短訊
讓我們都更深切地想念對方
原來你也不過是另一個愛選擇受傷的心靈?

調皮的風兒和雨兒
都到哪去了呢
一定是在一旁竊笑著這一切吧。

**

我以巫術迷惑了人心
讓他們看見他們心中最想看的墮落
然後一同沉醉。

我又向你展現我僅有的一切
要你為我作主
然後就怨你說是你的錯
讓我可一逃之夭夭

簡單來說
我只是一只可憐虫、無主孤魂
要在別人眼中找肯定。





夏天的陽光下

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在夏天的陽光下

就像記憶中在小根城裡的陽光一樣
那種坦蕩蕩的暖和照耀在房裡,和你的背上

我閉上眼睛
想起你那一句又一句讓人怦然心動的
甜言蜜語

你在我身上停不了的抽喘
然後我突發吼囔出低沉卻的震耳的聲音,
放任的感覺,為得是想抓住你的心,討你歡喜。

然後我融入你體內,
你也把我充滿地包圍了
我倆存在空間裡,卻在也沒有任和空間了

我親吻你肩上的微汗後
捲起了身體回想這一切,盤算著要如何放在文字裡。。。
用最小的font,最小的圖片,來讓你知道
我在想你
並非像男人的角度一樣
在我的角度:it simply means
我轉換了另一種愛你的形式﹣一種更深切、無法磨滅的愛。

可你卻不願意知道
那我只好選擇收起來,再也不讓人知道了。。。


4. 攝人停頓的美

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the fact is I never leave, not a single moment since we started this journey.  
I think the word that gets you into thinking that I left is the word 'judge' which carries different meaning btw u and me.
Sunday, Aug 24   11:59

I dont care about 'the right one' scenario in this crash and burn moment, as I just enjoy to be in the crash and burn and in a raging burn thats what i ever want in my life.
Sunday, Aug 24   14:31

Your sentence sounded like what I have been trying to tell you the first 2 nights... :)
Sunday, Aug 24   16:15

Indeed one day if fate intends, I will appear in front of you as a real person and tempts you to cross the line you draw which you didnt really think it your line and utopiaing someone is able to help you cross that... 
If that ever happens, it would mark an interesting climax of our special moments.  And the best part is... it may never happens.
Sunday, Aug 24   16:15

回來了,沒人替我傳話了。
所以我只好親自寫了這封sms,告訴妳這個小傻瓜,
我跟本不會離開,也沒走遠過。
我對你有信心,你也不用懷疑我吧。
咱倆個小傻瓜會永遠快樂的。
笑一笑吧,我愛看你笑的樣子。

Sunday, Aug 24   20:53

親愛的
你知道嗎?自從我們一天加上一天更深更新的知遇被發掘後,我越發笑不出來了。
今天我更是發現我跟本再也不能笑了。
因為最不可能的夢想已經在我生命中成真了。

我們之間綻放的一切是攝人停頓的美。

我們是故事的規畫者,
自諞自導自演了一齣紅男綠女的心中完美的烏托邦
一切是完美無瑕的配合。

我看得呆了:我們的存在體現出你的哲學理念
﹣你接收變化並歸納形成我們完美的一部份﹣
這讓一切看似壞的的變化,後來都成了合情合理。
“我們”和“完美”也成了合成同義詞
Monday, Aug 25   01:32


晚安!今晚真想親眼看你入睡。

Monday, Aug 25   04:38